The Who Needs What Moment
When stress rises, our brain goes into control mode—but connection, not control, is what actually helps kids listen and cooperate.
Ever catch yourself thinking: I just NEED them to BE better so I can feel better?
Oof. We’ve all been there.
But here’s the tricky part about parenting—it messes with your brain. If feeling better depends on your child acting better? Well...you’re probably barking (literally) up the wrong tree.
Because if what you need is about you, and you’re expecting your child to deliver it...you might be setting both of you up for frustration.
That’s where The Who Needs What Moment comes in.
TL;DR
When you feel yourself spiraling into “I need them to…” territory, pause and check in. What’s really going on underneath that need—and whose need is it, anyway?
Make a Moment
When you catch yourself saying “I need them to…” — that’s a signal. Get curious about what’s happening inside you.
Examples we don’t usually say out loud (but totally think):
“I need you to lend your leotard to your sister so I can feel like a good parent.”
“I need you to listen because I feel unheard.”
“I need you to be more respectful because I feel undervalued.”
“I need you to be better on the baseball team because I feel like I wasn’t.”
If we’re stuck in our story, we can’t be present in theirs. And often—especially in hard moments—that’s what our kids need most.
But hey, parents have needs too! That’s called self-care (getting your needs met without relying on your child’s behavior to do it for you).
And here’s where it gets good: You can invite your child to contribute—to help, to cooperate, to grow—without making them responsible for your emotional world.
Try sharing your feeling + naming a solvable problem:
“I’m feeling frustrated and out of patience with you two bickering. When I give you the pillow, can you help me brainstorm some solutions?”
“Kids, I’m feeling rushed and kind of stressed, and I’d really like your cooperation; we need to leave in ten minutes.”
“I’m feeling a little unheard here and want you to consider what I asked. It helps me when I can rely on you to stick to our agreements around chores.”
Quick tip: Want connection? Show up physically. Not from across the room or while multitasking. Look them in the eye—or get down on their level.
TL;DR
Shift from “I need you to change so I feel better” to “Here’s how I’m feeling—and here’s how we can work together.”
Why It Works
Kids are kids. (Or tweens. Or teens.) Their job is to learn, mess up, test limits, and figure life out.
But brain science tells us kids also need to feel worthy and significant. When you ask for their help, invite them into a problem, or express faith in their ability to contribute, you’re giving them exactly that.
It builds empathy. It builds capability. And—bonus—it usually builds cooperation too.
Most importantly? When you release your child from being responsible for your feelings, you offer them the space and safety to keep learning and growing—without shame or blame.
TL;DR
Inviting kids into problem-solving shows them they matter—and gives them a chance to rise to the moment.
Your MicroStep
Name it & Invite it. The next time you feel the “I need them to…” creeping in, pause. Name what’s going on inside you. Then invite your child into the solution—not because they have to—but because they can.
Like what you're reading?
Grab my book, The MicroStep Method for the Overwhelmed Parent: Small Moments, Big Impact, for the entire collection of MicroSteps.