Kids' Behavior Decoded
Why can’t Liam jut put his clothes on in the morning?:
I got a text from a client the other day: “Why can’t Liam just put his clothes on in the morning? It would take him three minutes and instead it’s as though he’s trying to start World War III every single morning in our house!”
Sound familiar?
It can feel like our kids are intentionally trying to drive us mad. Why else would they pick a fight over something as simple as getting dressed?
Here’s the truth: they’re not trying to drive us crazy. They’re being kids. And kids don’t always think or react logically (let’s be honest…neither do adults all the time).
But if we only focus on what they’re doing — without understanding why — we miss the real opportunity: to help them learn, grow, and feel seen.
TL;DR
Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem—it’s the clue. When you decode the belief underneath, you parent with more calm, connection, and confidence.
Make a Moment
Misbehavior is almost always a message in disguise. Often, it points to a hidden belief about how your child sees themselves or their world.
Rather than...
“Why does homework have to be such a fight? You are going to sit down and do it right now!”
(For the child whose belief is: “I only feel powerful when I’m in charge.”)
“C’mon, let’s get this homework done together. Here, I’ll write out the first problem.”
(For the child whose belief is: “I only matter when someone is focused on me.”)
“Fine, don’t do your work.”
(For the child whose belief is: “I’m helpless and might as well give up.”)
Try...
“It’s up to you if you want time on your video game. Remember, homework comes first.”
(Offering respectful choices gives power without conflict.)
“I care about you so much. Remember, our special time is Thursday before bed. Finish your math and then pick out a book or game for us.”
(Clarifying connection while holding limits.)
“How about you pick a favorite book? You read two pages, and I’ll read two pages.”
(Encouraging effort while showing faith in their ability.)
These small shifts signal to your child: I see what’s happening beneath the surface — and I believe in you.
TL;DR
Behavior shows us where kids are struggling. Responding with curiosity and clarity unlocks cooperation far more than control ever could.
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Why It Works
Kids want to do well. Truly.
If they’re struggling, it’s because something’s getting in the way — and behavior is their messy, imperfect way of asking for help.
According to Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, most misbehavior traces back to unmet needs:
to belong
to feel capable
to feel heard
to have some autonomy
Think of a misbehaving child like a dog caught in a trap. At first, the barking seems aggressive. But then you notice the injury — and your response shifts from irritation to compassion.
Kids aren’t bad. They’re stuck. And they need our help getting free.
When we respond with understanding — not just consequence — we don’t just fix the behavior. We meet the need that drives it.
TL;DR
When we treat behavior like communication, we stop reacting and start connecting. And that’s what really changes everything.
Your MicroStep
Look beneath the behavior.
When your child acts out today, pause and ask yourself: What might they believe or feel underneath this? Respond to the need, not just the behavior — and watch connection (and cooperation) grow.
Like what you're reading?
Grab my book, The MicroStep Method for the Overwhelmed Parent: Small Moments, Big Impact, for the entire collection of MicroSteps.