Breaking the Judgment Cycle
Of course my kids know I love them unconditionally. Don't they?
Of course I love my children unconditionally. I love them regardless of what they’re thinking or doing. I tell them that all the time. They know that… don’t they?
Well… except when they’re being ungracious. Or over-reactive. Or bossy. Or just plain irritating.
In those moments, I want them to know that their behavior isn’t okay. They need to learn, right?
For a long time, my first instinct when my kids were being dramatic or difficult was to tell them exactly that. To correct, to judge, to steer them toward a more “acceptable” reaction. It felt like I was doing my job.
But here’s the truth I had to face: when we judge our children’s emotions, we often shut them down. We invalidate their experience. And without realizing it, we withhold our presence—right when they need it most.
TL;DR
We may say we love our children unconditionally—but in hard moments, judgment creeps in. Shifting from judgment to acceptance helps our kids feel seen, safe, and truly loved.
Make a Moment
It’s a common mistake—thinking that our judgment will guide kids toward better behavior.
Instead of:
“I know it’s yours, but stop overreacting.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Just tell me what you need!”
“What is wrong with you? It’s not a big deal—get over it.”
These reactions feel natural in the moment—but they often silence rather than support.
Try:
“I’d like to hear more about what happened so we can make sure your things are safe and respected. How can I help?”
“Oh, you lost? That must be so frustrating after putting in all that effort. I’m not sure I understand the game—can you show me?”
“I can see this is really important to you. Can you tell me a bit more about what happened?”
Yes, it might feel awkward at first. It might sound a little weird coming out of your mouth. But watch their reaction—watch how they soften when they realize you’re really listening.
TL;DR
Empathy invites expression. Judgment shuts it down. Choose curiosity—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Why It Works
Emotions are not flaws to be fixed. They are part of what makes us human. And when we let our children know that we’re here for all of it—joy, anger, tears, confusion—we’re not coddling. We’re offering unconditional love in action.
Supporting a child through big emotions doesn’t always feel natural—especially when we’re annoyed, stressed, or tired. But it matters. A lot.
When we show up in those hard moments, we help our kids feel safe being themselves. And when they feel that kind of acceptance, they’re more likely to develop emotional awareness, self-regulation, and the ability to navigate their internal world with confidence.
Think of it like making dinner or sitting in traffic—it’s not always fun, but someone’s gotta do it. And it makes a huge difference.
TL;DR
Being present in the emotional messiness is what teaches our kids they’re loved—not just when they’re easy, but when they’re real.
Your MicroStep
Resist the reflex to judge. When you pause and accept the emotion—without trying to fix or dismiss it—you help your child grow into who they really are, not just who you think they should be.
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