Why “More Time With Our Kids” Isn’t Always the Answer
Emerging research shows that kids thrive not just on connection—but on autonomy within that connection. The goal isn’t constant presence; it’s secure independence.
“It kind of sounded like they were saying we should stop spending so much time trying to connect with our kids.”
That’s what one of my clients said after listening to The Ezra Klein Show episode with Jonathan Haidt (Spotify, Apple podcast). She was confused—and I get it. If you’re a parent who’s worked hard to show up and be present, it’s jarring to hear something that sounds like “you’re doing too much.”
So I listened. And here’s what I took away:
They weren’t criticizing connection. They were calling out control.
TL;DR
Hovering isn’t connection. Often, it’s anxiety in disguise. If we release our grip—just a little—we make space for our kids to grow.
Make a Moment
The episode dug into what’s gone sideways in modern childhood: screens, overscheduling, and the disappearance of unstructured play. But the bigger culprit? Over-curated parenting.
When connection gets confused with control, we end up blurring some really important lines:
Closeness ≠ hovering
Supervision ≠ safety
Proximity ≠ presence
The irony is, in trying to protect them, we sometimes end up crowding out the very growth we want for them. And when that happens, even our best efforts at connection can start to feel like pressure.
What kids really need is space—to wobble, to try, to struggle and stretch. And our role? It’s not to close the gap. It’s to become the safe home base they can return to.
That might mean letting them walk to the bus stop alone. Or letting them order their own food. Or sitting on your hands while they problem-solve something messy.
Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Even when it tugs at your heart.
Even when you want to step in.
Because the more they hear “I trust you,” the more they start to trust themselves.
It’s not about pushing them out—it’s about holding steady while they stretch.
TL;DR
Sometimes the most loving move is stepping back. You’re not letting go—you’re letting them lead.
Why It Works
Here’s what we often miss: connection doesn’t have to be constant to be secure.
Being present doesn’t always mean being close. Emotional safety can exist even in physical distance—especially when kids know they can return to a steady, grounded parent.
When we give them space, we’re not abandoning them. We’re showing them we believe in their ability to try. And that belief? That’s what makes them brave.
It’s not measured in how many hours we’re together.
It’s measured in the tone of our voice when they mess up.
In the way our eyes say, “You’ve got this.”
In the quiet courage we offer by stepping back—even just a little.
Your calm presence in the background can be more powerful than constant closeness.
TL;DR
Kids don’t need you to hover. They need to know you’re home base—steady, safe, and cheering them on from just far enough away.
Your MicroStep
The next time you feel the urge to jump in, try this instead:
“You’ve got this. I’m right here if you need me.”
Then step back—and let them step up.
Final Word
For all the mistakes I’ve made in parenting, I can see the core values I wanted to pass on taking root in my daughters. And maybe that’s the real mark of being home base—not always getting it right, but staying grounded in what matters most.
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