Connecting Even When You Can't
"You don’t have to be fully available to be fully loving—connection lives in the little things."
There are so many moments when we feel like we just can’t connect. We’re exhausted. Overloaded. Distracted. It's normal—and it doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent.
The good news? Connection doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. And even when it feels out of reach, there’s a way back in.
TL;DR
You don’t need a perfect parenting day to create connection. Even small moments—when done with intention—can shift everything.
Make a Moment
So much has been learned about brain function and attachment over the last few decades. A personal favorite in this field, Bessel van der Kolk, puts it simply:
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
So how do we build those connections with our kids—especially when life is busy and emotions run high?
It turns out, it’s not the grand gestures. It’s the little ones: a warm smile, a nod of empathy, a moment of listening.
[Bids for Connection]
John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, talks about the “bids” we make for connection. These are the small, daily overtures we toss out—our way of saying, “I want to connect with you. Please give me your attention.”
Your child makes these bids all day long. And your response matters more than you think.
TL;DR
The foundation of connection is built through small, daily interactions—what Gottman calls “bids”—and how we respond to them.
Why It Works
There are basically three ways to respond to a bid:
Turn Toward – Acknowledge the bid with attention.
Turn Away – Ignore or miss it entirely
Turn Against – Respond with irritation or rejection
As a busy parent, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the idea that you’re supposed to meet every request with loving presence. But that’s not the ask.
It starts with just acknowledging.
You don’t need a full-on playdate or deep talk. Just a moment of eye contact and a warm “I see you.”
Your Script in Action:
Child: “Mom, could you review my math problems with me?”
– Turn Away: “I’m in the middle of something…maybe later.” (without looking up)
– Turn Against: “Can’t you see I’m busy? Why can’t you do it on your own?”
– Turn Toward (with time): Stops, makes eye contact “Yes, I’d love to help. Let’s do it.”
– Turn Toward (without time): Stops, makes eye contact “I’d love to, but I’m in the middle of something important. Could we do it in an hour? Or maybe Dad can help?”
Even when you can’t meet the need in the moment, the acknowledgment is what builds trust.
TL;DR
Turning toward doesn’t mean dropping everything. It means showing up in small ways—honestly and attentively—so your child feels seen.
Your MicroStep
Look for one opportunity in the next few days to turn toward your child’s bid for attention—no big production required. Just notice their face. Notice how you feel. Then do it again.
Like what you're reading?
Grab my book, The MicroStep Method for the Overwhelmed Parent: Small Moments, Big Impact, for the entire collection of MicroSteps.