Getting Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
Adversity can be a powerful teacher.
I coach little girls’ lacrosse. And I also hear one parent, in particular, trying very hard to make sure her daughter becomes a better player.
🗣️ “Go get it! Pick it up. No, bend down more. Now you've got it. Don’t pass—run! Go to goal. And remember, don’t look at the goalie. Go for a bounce shot!"
But the girl didn’t hear “go for a bounce shot.” So when she found herself near the goal, with defenders closing in, she hesitated. She turned around to see what her mom was saying. The defenders jostled her. She dropped the ball.
And this doesn’t just happen on the lacrosse field.
Many of today’s kids struggle when they face uncertainty, challenge, or discomfort.
📉 Nearly 80% of U.S. teachers say children are entering school less prepared than ever. 📊 A global UNICEF study found that nearly 3 in 4 young adults are falling behind in the skills they need for adulthood. Many kids—teens and even college students—are arriving at new challenges without the resilience to navigate them.
They struggle with:
➡️ Managing time and responsibilities.
➡️ Handling setbacks without immediate intervention.
➡️ Basic independence—like doing laundry or cooking a meal.
And let’s be honest—sometimes, we get uncomfortable watching our kids struggle, so we step in to help.
But what if instead of rushing in, we let them sit with the discomfort?
TL;DR
But when our kids feel frustrated, disappointed, or even outraged, we feel it too. Their discomfort is uncomfortable for us. And sometimes, that leads us to try and fix, justify, or over-explain—anything to ease the tension
Fairness vs. Reality
If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard these words before: "That’s not fair!" "You’re so mean!" "I hate you!" And sometimes… our kids aren’t wrong. Maybe their sibling got treated differently. Maybe their best friend was allowed to do something they weren’t. Or maybe (most frequently) they just didn’t like our rule.
Our gut reaction? A little twinge of guilt. Because isn’t fairness the goal? Aren’t we supposed to be loving, kind, and equally considerate parents?
Well… not exactly.
Any parenting manual will tell you that fair doesn’t always mean equal. We can’t promise to:
➡️ Treat every child exactly the same.
➡️ Say "yes" to every request.
➡️ Smooth out every unfair moment of childhood.
But when our kids feel frustrated, disappointed, or even outraged, we feel it too. Their discomfort is uncomfortable for us. And sometimes, that leads us to try and fix, justify, or over-explain—anything to ease the tension.
But what if instead of rushing in, we leaned into the discomfort?
TL;DR
When we don’t shield them from the small things—whether it’s a limit, a rule, or a consequence—we give them a chance to practice coping skills for all the frustrating, confusing, and “unfair” moments they’ll encounter later on.
Make a Moment: The Script
It’s tempting to rationalize or defend ourselves when a child yells, “That’s not fair!”
But instead of rushing in to explain or fix the situation, try this instead:
Child: “That’s not fair!”
Parent: “You really wish I had said yes.” (Pause.)
Child: “Yeah, because [insert reason].”
Parent: “It’s disappointing when things don’t go the way you want.”
Child: “I just don’t get why [sibling/friend] can, and I can’t!”
Parent: “Yeah, it makes sense you’re upset. I get that.”
And then stop talking. Let them feel it. Let them process.
Why It Works
When we don’t shield them from the small things—whether it’s a limit, a rule, or a consequence—we give them a chance to practice coping skills for all the frustrating, confusing, and “unfair” moments they’ll encounter later on:
➡️ A college roommate with wildly different cleaning habits.
➡️ A teacher who asks for another draft but won’t explain why.
➡️ The discomfort of not always knowing exactly what to do.
These aren’t just minor inconveniences—they’re training grounds for resilience.
TL;DR
When your child faces something that feels unfair, resist the urge to jump in, justify, or fix it. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, and let them sit with it.
Your MicroStep Moment
👉 Let life be unfair sometimes.
When your child faces something that feels unfair, resist the urge to jump in, justify, or fix it. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, and let them sit with it.
This small shift—getting comfortable with their discomfort—helps them build resilience in ways that will serve them for life.
What do you think? Have you noticed kids struggling with life’s “unfair” moments? Let’s talk in the comments.
Like what you're reading?
Have the MicroStep Minutes email delivered to your inbox for free.
