1 MOMENT. 1 PATTERN. 1 MICROSTEP. 1 QUESTION.

1 MOMENT

When you're trying so hard to make it okay that you make it worse.

Sharon made turkey burgers. Chopped the peppers so small they'd disappear into the meat. Her seven-year-old sat down, looked at the plate, and announced:

"I don't want fruit in my hamburger."

Peppers. Not fruit. (Just saying.)

Sharon took the plate back, picked out most of the peppers, and slid the plate back.

"Noooo. Look! There’s another one!"

Sharon got every last piece out. Plate back down.

"No! Now you’ve ruined it. It’s all messy."

And Sharon, who had spent the last five minutes removing imaginary fruit from an otherwise perfectly good dinner, looked at her daughter and said:

"Whatever. Don't eat it then. And you can go to your room.”

1 PATTERN

Here's what happened in that kitchen. Every time Sharon moved, her daughter learned something.

Round one: push, and she'll fix it.

Round two: push harder, and she'll fix it more.

Round three: there's no bottom to this.

The arms crossing, the voice climbing, the "You’ve ruined it!"
That's not defiance.

That's a seven-year-old who has completely lost the thread of what she actually wanted, because the conversation stopped being about peppers three moves ago.

Psychologists call it the righting reflex: the instinct to fix, smooth, resolve. It comes from a good place. Sharon didn't want a battle. She wanted dinner to be fine. She wanted her daughter to be okay.

But the righting reflex, when it fires in response to a child pushing a limit, doesn't end the moment. It fuels it because there’s never an edge.
And so every time Sharon moves, her child has another reason to push.

The blowup wasn't caused by the peppers. It was caused by three rounds of Sharon signaling that the edge wasn't fixed.

1 MICROSTEP

Before you touch the plate, say one sentence. Then leave the plate alone.

"That's what we're having for dinner tonight. I'm sorry if you don't like it."

You’re not being unkind.
You’re not fighting.
You're not even ignoring the complaint.
You’ve heard it – you’re just not moving because of it. 

Sharon didn't need a different consequence. She didn't need a new strategy for vegetables. She needed one sentence, said once, and then to put her hands in her lap.

Pre-load that sentence before the next dinner. Say it out loud now, so it's in your mouth when you need it. That's how a MicroStep works: you don't reach for something you've never held.

1 QUESTION

Where are you removing peppers?

Not necessarily at dinner. But somewhere. The limit that keeps moving, that keeps getting smaller each time they push back.

Plan it. Try it. And hit reply and tell me what happened.

Mary
Creator, the MicroStep Method®