1 MOMENT. 1 PATTERN. 1 MICROSTEP. 1 QUESTION.

1 MOMENT

When your feeling becomes their problem.

Your daughter comes home and reports through a few tears that her best friend was really mean to her today. 

You pull it apart before she gets a word out.
"What did she say? When did this start? Did you talk to her at lunch?"

Not angry. Not unkind. Just. . . fast, deliberate.

1 PATTERN

My kids used to say: "You always make it about you."

That confused me. I mean, I was doing everything for them. The driving. The scheduling. The worrying. The showing up. Let’s face it,it’s only about them,right? How could any of this possibly be about me?

But they weren't talking about the driving.

You’ve asked your child to clean their room . . . again.

They don’t.

You're annoyed (that’s normal).

You’re irritated and that’s clear when you tell them to get upstairs and finish the room before you’ll take them to their friend’s.(Your ask is normal. Your irritation is normal. What comes out next is where it shifts.)

They roll their eyes, “Why do you have to get so mad?”

“I wouldn’t be so fed up if you would just clean your room. Why can’t you do what I ask!”
That’s the hijack; can you see how that is about us, not them? 

The friend fight is the same thing. Quieter. Dressed as concern. Those fast questions — who, what, when — they're not about her. They're about your discomfort. Your need to fix it. Your anxiety that she might be hurting and you might not be able to help.

Here's what's true, even when it's hard: your feelings are yours. All of it. The frustration, the anxiety, the need to fix it. The moment it lands on them as their fault, they’re no longer in a conversation with you. They stop trying to figure out their own feelings because they have to manage yours. 

Kids need energy to grow up.
When they're spending it managing yours, it's not going toward them.

When we own our feeling, we give it back to them.

You don't have to be calm. You simply have to own it.

1 MICROSTEP

The next time you hear yourself about to say "you made me" — stop. Swap it.

"I feel frustrated right now."

That's the whole move.

Not: "You made me so upset." That puts it on her.

"I feel frustrated." That keeps it yours.

Pre-load the sentence before you need it. Say it out loud now, in this moment, so it's available when you're in the moment and it isn't. That's how a MicroStep works: you don't reach for something you've never held.

You're not pretending the feeling isn't there. You're just refusing to make it their problem.

1 QUESTION

When did you last hand a child a feeling that was yours to carry?

Just notice. That's enough for now.

Mary
Creator, the MicroStep Method®