1 MOMENT. 1 PATTERN. 1 MICROSTEP. 1 QUESTION.

1 MOMENT

When your ten-year-old comes home from school trailing an attitude cloud.

You know how it is. They drop their backpack in the middle of the doorway, and use a shrug and an eye roll to answer, "How was your day?" 

Then you ask them to move the backpack.
They huff.
They snap at their younger brother for absolutely nothing.

So you do what any sane parent would do. You call out the behavior:

"You don't need to talk to your brother like that. Go hang up your backpack, please."

Not wrong. Not unreasonable.
It made everything worse anyway.

I had a client call me this week. Same scene, almost word for word. "I don't know what's gotten into her," she said. "It's been like this for weeks." 

I knew exactly what had gotten into her.

I even have a word for it.

1 PATTERN

You've probably heard of hangry. But you're likely not familiar with my term ‘nangry.’

Hangry: /'han-grē/, adjective. A combination of hungry and angry, meaning bad-tempered or irritable as a result of hunger.

Nangry: /'nan-grē/, adjective. A combination of neglected and angry, meaning uncooperative, unhelpful, or overly sensitive as a result of not feeling seen.

Just like hangry, you can't discipline them out of it. You have to feed it.

When a child is "nangry," the behavior is the message: the backpack on the floor, the eye roll, the snap at the sibling. John Gottman calls these ‘bids,’ as in bids for attention. Not defiance. Not attitude. Just a kid saying, "Please see me" in the one way they know for sure will work.

A consequence won’t help. They have a need. One is physical. One is emotional. Both are real.

This time of year makes it worse. The teacher they trusted will be gone soon. The friend they sat next to every day is heading to a different camp. The routine that told them what came next is dissolving. And what comes next: summer activities, new coach, different everything, is uncertain.

You're the steadiest thing around, which is why it’s landing on you.

1 MICROSTEP

We'll get to the behavior. But first: Take 5.

Yep. Five seconds. Put down what you're holding. Turn toward them. Eyes, shoulders, all of it. 

Not toward the backpack, not toward the sibling situation. Toward them. Let your face say: I see you. I'm glad you're here.

It can sound like: "Long day, huh.” But the eyes and shoulders have got to come too.

You're not excusing the backpack. The sibling snap is not forgotten. But five seconds of feeling seen and the attitude cloud often lifts. Because that’s all they were asking for.

Five seconds sounds easy. When you're two seconds from losing it yourself, it might be the hardest thing you'll do all day. Do it anyway.

But the only way to do it anyway is to have a plan.

1 QUESTION

Can you commit to five seconds sometime this week? Put that in your back pocket and be ready.

Look for a complaint, a huff, a door that closes a little too hard.

Take 5. See what happens.

Mary
Creator, the MicroStep Method®