Resetting Rewires

Do you sometimes feel like you’ve been having a bad morning/day/week (or even entire month) with your kids?

Don’t despair. It happens. It’s easy to let our frustrations get the best of us, leading to arguments, tension, anger, or even shutting down—for them, and for us.

Though you might blame having a bad day on conflicts about chores, fights over homework, or begging your kids to get off the screens (again), you are more likely feeling the pain of disconnection caused by those actions.

And assuming you have been grumpy or irritable or absent, your child may be feeling unloved . . . resentful . . . sad . . . or even worried.

Brain plasticity refers to its ability to change and adapt throughout our lives. The brain has a certain flexibility or malleability that gives us the potential to reorganize and form new connections between brain cells (neurons). Think of your relationship with your child today as existing pathways in the brain: some of these pathways (aspects of your relationship) may be strong, representing positive and healthy connections, while others may be weak or neglected.

When you take another chance to be the parent you imagined you’d be, or when you choose to handle things differently than you’ve been doing, you are taking steps that will result in strengthening your bonds and creating new pathways that bolster emotional well-being and healthy development—all the good things that we’ve discussed in this book.

Make a Moment

When parents are frustrated, we often resort to yelling, nagging, or punishing children in an attempt to maintain control over the situation:

Rather than . . .

! “Why can’t you ever do anything right?”

! “I’m so tired of dealing with your mess!”

! “You’re making my life miserable!”

As soon as you start providing experiences that make children feel "seen" (safe and understood) and "soothed" (calmed down from their own emotions—and yours, if necessary), you are essentially helping to rewire brain connections related to your relationship for a more positive and fulfilling connection. Depending on the child, you can say like:

Try . . .

“I don’t like the way things have been going lately: I’ve been grumpy and frustrated and feeling overwhelmed . . .Can we start over?"

“I know we’ve had a tough time lately, but I want you to know that I love you no matter what.”

“Let’s take a few minutes to talk about what’s been going on and how we can work together to improve things.”

Or do something that will help. For example:

Grab a favorite book and ask your child (who can’t read yet or is just learning) to tell you the story. No interrupting or correcting allowed. (Well, maybe a helpful prompt or two here or there . . .)

Sit next to them (whether they’re on the couch or on the floor), and ask about what they're doing (whether it’s a video game, Legos, a doll, a book, or homework). Listen, with curiosity.

Play a round of Hangman (a family favorite when we’re in a restaurant). Enjoy their intellect!

With an older child, you might have to schedule time together. “How about if we go get a foo-foo drink this afternoon?” (In my family, foo-foo drinks are our name for overpriced, delicious coffee shop drinks.) And then ask your child if you can both start over. Listen so they feel heard.

And then commit to doing some things differently.

Why It Works

In my experience, kids will always respond to and appreciate you wanting to repair the relationship. Thankfully! Because this is family life: rupture, repair, reset. And kids need us to take the lead on the rest.

When you reset, you foster a sense of understanding between you and your child. This rebuilds connection. By acknowledging the difficult situation and expressing a desire to improve, you demonstrate that you care about their feelings and are committed to finding a solution together. Anything you do to reset and repair strengthens your bond and creates an environment where both parent and child can grow and thrive together.

Family life does not ride along a smooth track, for most of us. Rupture, repair, reset...over and over.

Like what you're reading? Download a free chapter of my book,

MicroStep Method for the Overwhelmed Parent: Small Moments, Big Impact.

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